What is it with ‘boys’ and journal entries? I am forty – well, I will be in a few weeks – and still, when I find myself attracted to a man I tend to write more journal entries. Of course, they’re all about me completely over-analyzing everything. Do I really feel this way about him? (Probably.) When he said ‘hi’ what could he have really meant? (Probably nothing more than ‘hi’.) When I said ‘hi’ could he tell that I’m totally into him? (Probably not, unless you’re wearing a T-shirt that says ‘I’m totally into you.’) If I say ‘hi’ tomorrow would that be too forward? (Are you kidding?!) I’m a friggin’ crazy person!
When I was in grade eight we had the most ridiculous sex ed session. Some weird old guy from who-knows-where told us that if we were truly in a mature relationship or real love or some such baloney, that we would always be level-headed and calm. Apparently, fluttery tummy and always thinking about one’s object of desire is immature and not real love. I suspect that guy was sent to fill our heads with nonsense simply to keep us from sleeping with the next human we saw. (And, I think he was kind of too late for some of that grade eight class.) I suppose that guy might have been sort of right because I probably haven’t been in a ‘real’ or ‘mature’ relationship. But, geez, I’m nearly forty, one would imagine that being attracted to someone wouldn’t make me feel thirteen anymore. And, yet, here I am – ostensibly a grown-up – writing over-analytical journal entries, getting tummy flutters and becoming nearly incapable of speech when I get too close. And, you know what? I quite enjoy it. Clearly, though I’m not very good at the next steps. (see above – If I say ‘hi’ tomorrow would that be too forward?) Otherwise, I may gotten past tummy flutters and crazy journal entries and found myself in a mature relationship long ago.
Of course, now that I am a grown up the whole dating thing has become more complicated than when I was thirteen. I can no longer have a friend pass a note to the cute boy asking if he likes me. And, I have considered that on occasion. I have to take into consideration my teenage daughter’s feelings. Maybe he has kids who also need to be considered. Does he want more kids? Because I am not having any more babies! What about his ex? How would that relationship work? What if we have to see each other at work or at a community organization. Will it be weird if this doesn’t work out? Will it be weird if it does work out? I guess this is really just grown up over-analyzing. Oh well. Until I figure our the next steps I’ll just have to live with copious over-analytical journal entries, tummy flutters and odd, stilted conversations, I guess.