Friday’s Essay – About ‘Boys’

Young LoveWhat is it with ‘boys’ and journal entries?  I am forty – well, I will be in a few weeks – and still, when I find myself attracted to a man I tend to write more journal entries.  Of course, they’re all about me completely over-analyzing everything. Do I really feel this way about him? (Probably.) When he said ‘hi’ what could he have really meant? (Probably nothing more than ‘hi’.)  When I said ‘hi’ could he tell that I’m totally into him? (Probably not, unless you’re wearing a T-shirt that says ‘I’m totally into you.’)  If I say ‘hi’ tomorrow would that be too forward?  (Are you kidding?!)  I’m a friggin’ crazy person!

When I was in grade eight we had the most ridiculous sex ed session.  Some weird old guy from who-knows-where told us that if we were truly in a mature relationship or real love or some such baloney, that we would always be level-headed and calm.  Apparently, fluttery tummy and always thinking about one’s object of desire is immature and not real love.  I suspect that guy was sent to fill our heads with nonsense simply to keep us from sleeping with the next human we saw. (And, I think he was kind of too late for some of that grade eight class.)  I suppose that guy might have been sort of right because I probably haven’t been in a ‘real’ or ‘mature’ relationship.  But, geez, I’m nearly forty, one would imagine that being attracted to someone wouldn’t make me feel thirteen anymore.  And, yet, here I am – ostensibly a grown-up – writing over-analytical journal entries, getting tummy flutters and becoming nearly incapable of speech when I get too close.  And, you know what?  I quite enjoy it.  Clearly, though I’m not very good at the next steps.  (see above – If I say ‘hi’ tomorrow would that be too forward?)  Otherwise, I may gotten past tummy flutters and crazy journal entries and found myself in a mature relationship long ago.

Of course, now that I am a grown up the whole dating thing has become more complicated than when I was thirteen.  I can no longer have a friend pass a note to the cute boy asking if he likes me.  And, I have considered that on occasion.  I have to take into consideration my teenage daughter’s feelings.  Maybe he has kids who also need to be considered.  Does he want more kids?  Because I am not having any more babies! What about his ex?  How would that relationship work?  What if we have to see each other at work or at a community organization.  Will it be weird if this doesn’t work out?  Will it be weird if it does work out? I guess this is really just grown up over-analyzing.  Oh well.  Until I figure our the next steps I’ll just have to live with copious over-analytical journal entries, tummy flutters and odd, stilted conversations, I guess.




2 thoughts on “Friday’s Essay – About ‘Boys’

  1. Oh……… I am just SO PLEASED that there is someone out there like me, who writes more journal entries when there is a man involved and wonders if there’s something more to the hello we were granted, or has already analyzed every aspect of the future relationship we have started by him saying hello. (My friends & coworkers are becoming used to me saying “we’re getting married” every time a guy says hi — a facetious, but not-too-far-fetched poke at my over-analyzing) What I truly struggle with though, is how to say hi back at all, let alone let him know I’m totally into him. My general reaction is a shocked stare that probably makes him think I should be wearing a helmet at all times.

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